


The Devil's Brew

by Sub_Rosa



Category: We Know the Devil (Visual Novel)
Genre: Closeted Character, Comedy of Errors, Crack, F/F, Multi, Satan's Titty Skittles, Slurs, Teenage Dorks, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 20:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15714300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sub_Rosa/pseuds/Sub_Rosa
Summary: "Come on," Jupiter says. "I can see Nep dropping pills, but not you, Venus.”





	The Devil's Brew

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to Saraiguma for her ideas, dialogue, and her lovely sense of humor.

“This is _bullshit_ ,” Neptune says.

It’s their second week of summer vacation, their first day at the Summer Scouts, and they’re already miserable. “Let’s do some icebreakers!” the counselors are saying, as if there’s any ice left to break in the sweltering, choking heat. It’s humid like the air is turning into sweat and hot like the sun is dripping down their necks.

“See? This is so fucking stupid,” Neptune mutters. She’s sitting on a log with one leg folded over the other. “Icebreakers are so fucking stupid. You can’t _make_ kids into friends. That’s like. Trying to make people not think about pink elephants.”

Jupiter is also sitting on the log, or rather, splayed over the log and on her back. Her hair is mixing with the dirt and her baseball cap has fallen off of her head to lie on the ground. “Aha. Now I’m thinking about pink elephants.”

“Are you also breathing manually?” Neptune asks.

“Ahahaha _stop it, Neptune-_ ”

“Because let me tell you, right now, I’m quite comfortably aware of my tongue.”

Venus giggles, then claps one hand over her mouth. She’s the quietest girl in the group, never speaking, as if she’s afraid of her own voice; she's sitting on the log opposite to Jupiter and Neptune, folded up into acute angles.

“See?” Neptune says. “We’re much cooler than ‘icebreakers’. We can totally entertain ourselves without, I don’t know, telling each other our favorite colors.”

“Green,” Jupiter says.

“Blue,” Venus says.

“Fuck you two, then, and my favorite color is black.”

“I think you’re lying,” Venus says, off-hand. “You’re not that edgy.”

“It’s not edgy. Black just goes with everything. How can you _not_ like black, it’s perfect?”

Venus shrugs a little.

“How about this,” Jupiter says, and then she lowers her voice like she’s swallowing gravel. “What are you in for?”

“My mom’s a narc,” Neptune replies. “Also, I’m gay.”

“Damn,” Jupiter says. “Same hat. Not the drugs, I mean. The… the other bit.”

“Same hat? I would never wear a snapback,” Neptune says. “What about you, Venus?”

“Me?” Venus asks. “Uh, I dunno? I wouldn’t go out of my way to _not_ wear a snapback, but I’m not one for hats to begin with…”

Jupiter laughs.

“No, dumbass,” Neptune says. “What are _you_ doing here at this shitty camp? What kind of bad girl are you?”

“What, um,” Venus coughs. “It’s more like. My dad wants me to man up?”

Jupiter and Neptune stare blankly, and then Jupiter laughs even harder. “Hah! Good one, Venus.”

Venus pouts. “I’m not joking!”

“Uh huh,” Neptune drawls. “What, did your parents want a son?”

“Yes, actually, they did-?”

“My parents wanted a son, too,” Jupiter muses. “Doesn’t mean they don’t wish I could be a normal girl.”

“Venus, your parents are super messed up,” Neptune says. “But also, I’m kinda jealous, so. Do your parents also let you drink and smoke? Do your parents let you speed down lonely highways at midnight at over 100 miles per hour? Do your parents let you juggle chainsaws?”

“WHAT? No!” Venus turns away, suddenly unable to look Jupiter and Neptune in the eyes. Even more unable than she always is, always simultaneously drawn to and repelled from everyone else’s gaze. “You do know that. You know, uh. You know I’m a boy, right?”

Jupiter and Neptune both glance at each other.

“I was _wondering_ why the devout Christian camp counselors had apparently put three lesbians into one group together,” Neptune finally grants.

“You thought I was a lesbian!?” Venus gasps, taken completely aback.

“Oh my god,” Jupiter says. “Do they expect us to get with Venus?”

“Do you think this is how they want him to man up?” Neptune asks rhetorically. “Do they want to make a love triangle out of us? Do they want us to be his girlfriends?”

“NO,” Jupiter says. “Stop it, that’s _terrible_ -”

“I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS!” Venus wails, covering his face with his hands.

“This is _cursed_ ,” Neptune says decisively. “I hate it.”

But neither of them hate _him_ , not really. It’s not his fault that the grown-ups running the Summer Scouts have messed-up ideas about what it means to be a boy, and messed-up ideas about what it means to be a girl. He’s still their friend, so far as any of them are friends; three messed-up kids thrown into the same space together, and stuck together until they learn to be friends anyways.

But not… not because the grown-ups _made_ them make friends with each other. Grown-ups can never make them do anything.

Two weeks into their collective imprisonment at camp, Neptune hears “slut” just about as often as she hears her own name (she consistently flips her detractors the bird, or makes the most incredible faces at them). Jupiter hears “dyke” just as often as she hears her own name, although ditching the snapback helps (she can’t bring herself to ditch the pants, or her dad’s army jacket). And Venus hears “sissy” and “faggot” twice as often as he hears his own name. He’s the unbelievably faggy pretty-boy that every other boy in camp either envies or makes fun of, or both.

The unbelievably faggy boy with really _really_ itchy nipples. Three weeks into their collective imprisonment, one of the boys from Group South elbows Venus in the chest, and Venus goes down like he’s been kneed in the balls.

 

===

  
Four weeks into their sentence, one muggy night in the middle of July, Neptune starts digging through her duffel bag like she’s searching for water in the middle of the desert.

Jupiter is knee-deep in a library book, simply titled _Lumberjacks_. Venus is waist-deep in an ancient, well-loved and dog-eared manga: _Pretty Soldier Sailor Rune and the Changeling Child_.

“One, two, three,” Neptune counts off, neck-deep in her luggage. “Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, twenty… fuck. Fuck!”

“Are you alright?” Jupiter asks, looking up from her book.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Neptune says. She strides over to Venus’ bunk in their shitty, cramped cabin room. “Venus, can I borrow…?”

“Sure?” Venus says, bewildered, and finally he pulls away from his own manga.

Neptune unceremoniously kicks over Venus’ own luggage (“Hey!”), allowing it to spill all over the floor. She passes over his own abandoned phone, his worn mp3 player and well-crafted ham radio, over the other six well-loved manga volumes he’s brought with him, over one bible, and over a lovely-looking loop of fabric that catches the eye-

“Is that a _choker?”_ Jupiter asks, not even horrified; just surprised and amused.

“I know,” Neptune says. “Can you believe that Venus brought a choker out to Summer Scouts _and then never even wore it?_ It’s unbelievable.”

“HEY,” Venus says, and crosses his arms. “It got mixed up in my clothes, alright?”

Finally, Neptune seizes her prize: a fully-annotated original edition of Uriel’s Bible, complete with author’s note. A priceless relic.

Neptune casually throws the book open, revealing that the pages of the text have been hollowed out to make room for several plastic baggies full of pills. Jupiter squawks, and Neptune grins.

“Vandalizing history, are we?” Neptune says. “I _knew_ you were a bad girl.”

“IT’S A REPRODUCTION!” Venus protests. “Not an original! And, and… what are you doing!? Do you even know what those are?”

“Of course I do,” Neptune says. “Did you pack extra?”

“What? Yes? What does that have to do with anything-?”

Neptune pops open the baggies, picking out the proper doses of spironolactone and estradiol. The former she tosses down her throat like she’s disposing of explosives; the latter she sticks under her tongue.

“Thankth,” Neptune says. “I wath two dayth thort.”

Neptune begins repacking Venus’ luggage, and Venus stares at Neptune like the Devil herself has just parted the veil and materialized in all her profane glory.

Then Neptune stalks back over to her bed, and sits down to futz around with her phone like absolutely nothing unusual has happened.

“What the heck?” Jupiter says bluntly, breaking the silence. “Don’t think I’m gonna call the counselors on you, but uh, what are you two doing? I can see Nep dropping pills, but not _you_ , Venus.”

Venus looks at Neptune, silently begging for help. Neptune crosses her legs and pointedly stares back at Venus.

“They’re… medications?” Venus says, helplessly.

Jupiter tilts her head oh-so-slightly to the right. “So… why’s Neptune taking them?”

“Hahaha, um, who knows?”

“And you just let her take them?” Jupiter asks, her voice growing sharper.

“I guess she needed them, so…?” Venus trails off.

“Don’t be too mad, Jupes,” Neptune says. “Venus couldn’t have stopped me even if he tried. I’m just too powerful for him.”

“Not the point! Pharmaceuticals can be way more dangerous than drugs and alcohol! Neptune, you didn’t even have a label to go off of, to make sure you were taking the right stuff! You could have taken something really dangerous-! Venus, what kind of side effects does this stuff even have?”

At this, Neptune breaks out into a whooping, coughing fit, perfectly faked. “Ghlck, _tits_ , hrk-”

Jupiter rushes over to Neptune, hauling her up. “You idiots,” she mutters, glaring first at Neptune and then at Venus, who takes the scolding ten times more harshly than Neptune does, actually tearing up a little.

Then Jupiter drags Neptune off to the bathroom, leaving Venus alone to hide her hormones somewhere Neptune can’t find them.

 

===

 

“I don’t suppose _you’ll_ tell me what you’re taking?” Jupiter asks, as soon as she and Neptune are alone together. Neptune fills a glass up with tepid tap water, and slugs it straight down.

“You should ask Venus,” Neptune says blankly, as soon as her throat is even slightly clear. Being a bitch to Venus is way more fun than being straight with Jupiter.

 _Well,_ anything _is more fun than being straight with Jupiter, really..._

“You two suck,” Jupiter grumbles. When Neptune keeps drinking, but her coughing fit has abated, Jupiter cracks the bathroom door open. “Venus! You seriously need to tell me what those pills were!”

“...Neptune didn’t already tell you?”

“She said to ask you!”

“Sh-she did? Oh. Uh. WELL. They’re these drugs called spiro and estradiol and you’ve probably never heard of them.”

“What do they do?”

“They’re used to treat… hormone imbalances! Yeah, they’re used to treat hormone imbalances.”

“Okay… but why would that cause a coughing fit?”

“Neptune is always coughing!” Venus says.

“It’s true,” Neptune says, still trying to wash down the minty garbage hell taste of spiro. “It’s ‘cuz I’m drowning in pussy.”

In the other room, Venus cracks up and bursts out laughing.

“Okay, well, why would you and Nep have the same hormone imbalance? Aren’t those usually different between boys and girls?”

“Well… well… um. Uh… it turns out that boys and girls do need all of the same hormones, just in different amounts?”

“But wouldn’t Nep need a different dose than you? A smaller one, or a bigger one?”

“I guess? Maybe? But, she measured her own dose out so, I’m _sure_ she knows what she’s doing, even though I’ve _never seen her taking these hormones before!_ ”

“I never saw _you_ taking these hormones before, either,” Neptune mumbles. “But I assume _you_ know what you’re doing with them.”

“If she does know what she’s doing, she doesn’t seem to want to tell me,” Jupiter says. “Come on, Venus.”

“Do you ask all of your girlfriends about their medical history?” Neptune drawls, vacating the restroom and collapsing atop her bed.

“Only the ones with incurable coughs of death!” Jupiter replies, actually distressed.

“Woah, chill!” Neptune says. “I’m not dying, it’s not, like, tuberculosis.”

“Um,” Venus says. “I _could_ explain more, but even if I just explained what’s up with me that would also explain what’s up with Neptune, and, and, it’s not my place to explain what’s up with Neptune!”

Jupiter glances from Venus to Neptune and back again like she’s watching a ping-pong ball in motion.

“I mean, Neptune, do you want me to explain what’s up with you?” Venus asks hesitantly.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Neptune says, feigning incomprehension. “I’m only taking E, it’s not like I’ve got a chronic medical condition.”

“YOU’RE TAKING ECSTASY!?” Jupiter sputters, and grabs her hair like she’s going to tear it out. “HOW IS THAT A HORMONE TREATMENT!?”

“No, like, ‘E’ for ‘estradiol’,” Neptune says, but Jupiter doesn’t hear her.

“VENUS IS ON ECSTASY-”

“I’m! Not on ecstasy!”

“-NOTHING IS SACRED. I KNOW NOTHING. SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME. HOLD ME.”

Neptune reaches over, grabbing Jupiter by the back of her jacket, and drags her into bed. Jupiter goes down in a haphazard pile of arms.

“Request granted,” Neptune says, her voice low, and Venus covers her eyes in the name of some kind of privacy, looking away from a scandal.

Then Venus peers through the gap between her fingers, watching Neptune smoosh Jupiter up against herself. “I am not taking ecstasy,” she whines plaintively.

“Oh, of course, sweetheart,” Neptune says. “We all know you’re much too safety-conscious for anything so _daring_ and _risky_. You probably get your blood levels checked twice as often as you actually need to, because you can’t wait any longer than that before you start worrying.”

“I!” Venus yelps. “How did you-!?”

“Neptune, you’re crushing me,” Jupiter gasps.

“Do you want me to let you go?” Neptune asks.

“...no.”

Neptune grins viciously.

“How did you know Venus had the same thing that you have, anyway?” Jupiter asks.

And Neptune just looks Venus up and down, long and slow, taking note of her increasingly ill-fitting boy’s clothes. Venus only looks increasingly outraged and embarrassed, then just embarrassed, maybe even pleased, crossing her arms across her chest and pouting.

“Call it a lucky guess,” Neptune drawls.

24 hours later, without even asking Venus for directions, Neptune cracks open the other girl’s ham radio in order to find and “borrow” a second dose of hormones.

 

===

 

“You and Venus have been spending a lot of time together, lately,” Jupiter says to Neptune one day. They’ve been tasked with maintaining the loose paths between the various cabins and camp buildings, a job as exhausting as it is boring.

(Venus is taking yet another pee break, leaving Jupiter and Neptune alone to have their chat.)

“Yeah,” Neptune says. If she’s been spending a lot of time with Venus, she’s spent half of it pretending that she has absolutely no idea what Venus means when she tries to bring up Neptune’s pill thievery. Venus makes the cutest faces when Neptune stonewalls her. “He’s not actually as lame as he pretends to be.”

“But I don’t think _he_ knows that,” Jupiter says.

“He totally knows,” Neptune replies. “He’s just kinda a dumbass.”

She cuts open a bag of wood chippings, and Jupiter flips it over and empties it out. Clean mulch to replace everything that’s rotted away or disappeared in the past year. Not much lasts, out here; modernity comes to the woods to die, and modernity comes to _these_ woods to become a missing person with plausible deniability.

“Yeah, but I always thought you were… you know…”

“Gay?” Neptune says, saying the word like she says Jupiter’s name.

“Aha,” Jupiter laughs nervously. “I wasn’t gonna put it all out there like that… but yeah.”

“Trust me, Jupes, I’m as gay as the day is long.”

The two of them start raking the mulch, dragging it into the hollows of the roads and pathways.

“Come _on_ , Neptune, I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at Venus when you think no-one is watching.”

“So she makes a cute girl. Whatever. The pills are a good look on her.”

“What? But she’s _not_ a girl, she’s, he’s just a cute guy. Are you saying he’s cute because he’s on pills?”

“Uh, maybe?”

“Are _you_ cute because you’re taking pills?”

“Fuck no, I’m not cute. I’m hot shit.”

“A hot mess, more like,” Jupiter mutters. “You know you’re still mooning over Venus.”

Neptune goes quiet.

“Nep?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m curious.”

“It’s nothing, though.”

“Neptune, I’ve seen the look on your face. You’ve got it _bad_.”

“Please, just, drop it? I’m not gonna leave you or anything, unless this is like, your way of trying to break up with me.”

Jupiter snorts. “Come on. It’s not like we were ever really _together_ to begin with-”

“Ex- _cuse_ me?”

“-and again, I’ve seen how you look at him. I’m not gonna stand in the way of your love. Or your dopey bedroom eyes. Or _Venus_ ’ dopey bedroom eyes.”

“Jupiter, I… ugh, how are you somehow managing to be even more of a bitch than I am?”

Jupiter shrugs. “It’s not like I’m gonna tell anyone either way. And it’s totally fine if you like girls _and_ boys, too.”

“It’s not about who I like, it’s about who Venus is.”

“So you’re a lesbian with an exception. I mean, we all have bad taste _somewhere_. I used to like The Chronicles of Narnia.”

“I only liked Narnia because I wanted to make out with the White Witch.”

“Good taste. I mean — I mean — _look_ , I’m just saying, it’ll be a lot easier if you and Venus end up together instead of you and me.”

“First of all, not really. Second of all, stop being so self-destructive. Fight for your woman, or whatever. Act like a fuckboy for once in your life.”

“Hah!” Jupiter snickers. “Really, though, it definitely will be easier. Unless we run off to some commune in the middle of nowhere, we couldn’t ever get married.”

“Good, marriage is for assimilationist shitheels.”

“We couldn’t even let people know that we were _together_ together.”

“Okay, fine,” Neptune says. Jupiter is unexpectedly somber. “Yeah, if we got together then we’d have a lot of shit to deal with. It wouldn’t be any easier with Venus, though.”

“Why not? He seems like exactly the kind of nice boy your mom would approve of.”

“Seems.”

“I mean, if he can fake it enough around here, I’m sure he can fake it for the mother-in-law he rarely meets.”

“Jupes, _I_ couldn’t fake it for my mother. If I could fake it for my mother I wouldn’t be here.”

“Yeah, but she knows you, and even then, I’m sure you’ve gotten all sorts of shit over on her. Plus you two can get hitched and move to the city and only see your mom once a year, like every other sane adult does.”

“Isn’t it a little bit early to start thinking of marriage?”

“It’s either that or your mom starts trying to hitch you up with random guys. Unless that’s already started?”

“Well _duh_.” Neptune rolls her eyes. “Of course it’s already started. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”

“Right. Venus is safe and cute. If nothing else, you two can distract your parents with each other until you’re twentysomethings with jobs, and then break up, but also: Venus is safe, and cute, and _you like him_ , and I bet you’d have super cute kids.”

Neptune drops her rake.

“I mean, obviously, you don’t have to have kids, but have you seen Venus with the junior Scouts? He’s a natural. Plus weird aunt Jupiter and her hot roommate could show up every once in a while.”

“Jupiter. What the hell. How long have you been sitting on your domestic RPF fantasies?”

“Like, a week.”

Neptune stares at Jupiter.

“What?” Jupiter asks testily. “It’s not like we have much else to think about out here.”

“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking about frenching you and Venus behind the treeline, not starting a family. Next you’re going to tell me that you fantasize about picket fences, too. Do you want to sit on a picket fence?”

“Does Jupiter want to what now?” Venus asks, returning from her detour. There’s a bit of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her shoe; it falls off as she grabs her own rake and starts to work.

“Nothing!” Jupiter says.

“Jupiter is fantasizing about kinky shit again,” Neptune says.

“Neptune is lying again,” Jupiter says.

“Jupiter wants you and me to hook up,” Neptune says. “And then have cute babies for her and her hot roommate to spoil.”

“Jupiter wants us to WHAT!?”

“Yeah,” Jupiter says. “Well, _you’re_ the one who keeps looking at Venus like you want to jump him and have _his_ babies. I just said it out loud, so.”

“Neptune wants to WHAT!?” Venus says. She takes a step backwards, and her foot lands on Neptune’s fallen rake, which un-falls and rises up to conk her on the back of the head. She goes down like she’s been hit across one of her sore, exposed, unprotected nipples. If only she had packed a sports bra instead of a choker.

“Shit.” Neptune says. “Are you okay, Venus?”

Venus is pale, slightly trembling. “I think I need to use the bathroom again.”

She doesn’t wait for a response before picking herself up like glass, and then running the hell away.

“More work for us,” Jupiter says, as soon as she’s gone and she isn’t directly shittalking her. “I guess we can make him help fix the electrical grid later.”

“I don’t think _you’re_ helping,” Neptune says, and sighs.

“Sorry. I totally ship you two.”

“Okay, yeah, but I don’t think Venus wants to be a father.”

“Yeah, you two are young, but-” Jupiter puts her hands on her hips, and makes a face. “You’ve gotta plan for _your future_.”

“You sound like my mother, and Venus isn’t going to be a father, and if _I_ was going to be a mother, I wouldn’t tell you, because you sound like my mother.”

“Your mother would drill down on the same things if you brought Venus home.”

“Take Venus home-? Jupiter, no, that’s still a non-starter. Mom would think I was just doubling down on queerness behind her back.”

“For dating a boy who isn’t a linebacker? Cmon, Neptune, it’s all about, uh, framing. He’s a good, meek, unassuming Christian boy who won’t lead her daughter into temptation.”

Neptune snorts. “My mom is a bigot, but she’s a _hip_ bigot. She’d realize Venus is a trans girl.”

Jupiter’s face goes blank. “A what?”

 _...oh, fuck_ , Neptune thinks. “Did I say that out loud?”

“I’m not sure what a trans girl is,” Jupiter muses. “Is it like a tomboy or something?”

“More the other way around. Kind of.”

“Oh, so like a really girly guy? Yeah, Venus is _definitely_ a trans girl. But even if he is a trans girl, he’s still a boy, I bet your mom would settle for him.”

Neptune forces a smile, a perfect rictus grin of _oh no, what have I done_ and _I don’t have to be the one to correct her, do I?_ “Well… I’ll get his number, and if we end up together, then we’ll see what my mom does.”

“Heh, if. Invite me to the wedding, Neptune.”

“If!”

 

===

 

“VENUS! ARE YOU STILL FARTING AROUND OUTSIDE?”

“YES!” Venus yells back. It’s an hour after their expected curfew, and an hour before they would actually go to sleep on a normal day. Venus is “-STILL TRYING TO FIX THE FUSEBOX!”

“Yeah, well the fuses are fixed!” Neptune yells.

“The wiring isn’t perfect!”

“It’s perfect enough!”

“Okay!”

Venus stumbles inside, covered in grime, and high-tails it to the bathroom to clean up.

When she still hasn’t emerged fifteen minutes later, Neptune gets huffy. Jupiter is too distracted by _Lumberjacks_ _Volume 2_ to be particularly bothered.

“Hurry up, Venus,” Neptune says. “Stop mucking around around in the bathroom. We have bullshit tomorrow and I can’t sleep while you’re brushing your teeth. You brush your teeth like you want a power washer.”

“ _Sorry_ , Neptune,” Venus says huffily. “I happen to value good hygiene. And quality electrical engineering.”

When she finally emerges from the toilet, she’s clean and fluffy, dressed in soft pastels. Jupiter looks up from her book and smiles.

“You’ve got such cute pajamas, Venus. You’re such a trans girl.”

Neptune breaks out in a coughing fit, and Venus’ eyes widen. “WHAT!? Jupiter, I, I, I'm not, not, not... a tranny...”

Neptune’s coughing intensifies.

“Woah, language, Venus!” Jupiter chides. “And I don’t think you’re a transvestite. You look cute in those, it’s a compliment!”

Venus frowns. “Well, actually, trans people are different from transvestites and crossdressers. Not that I’m speaking personally or anything.”

“Well, yeah,” Jupiter says. “There’s a difference between a really girly guy and a transvestite.”

“‘A really girly guy’?” Venus echoes dumbly.

“You know. A girly guy. A trans girl.”

“A girly-!? A trans girl-!?” Venus whirls to face Neptune, who is finally breathing clearly again. “Neptune, what did you tell her!?”

Neptune shrugs frantically.

“Neptune!” Venus yelps. “You don’t get to be chill about this!”

Neptune stalks over to Venus and grabs her, speaking as quietly as she can:

“I’m not chill! I’m the opposite of chill! I said something ridiculous and then rolled with it to test her reaction and now she thinks _this!_ ”

“NEPTUNE YOU ARE THE WORST! She’s gonna out me! She’s probably gonna call some guy a trans woman and then get beat up! I!”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” Neptune asks.

“Tell the truth?” Venus asks.

“Why don’t _you_ tell the truth!”

“You first!”

“Only one of us has to do it!”

“Yeah,” Venus says. “But I’m not the one in a relationship with her!”

“She thinks I’m in a relationship with _you!_ ”

“WHAT!?”

“So,” Jupiter says. “What are you two whisper-yelling about?”

“WE ARE NOT YELLING!” Venus yells.

“So what are you two lovebirds not yelling about, then?”

“We are not lovebirds!” Neptune says.

“Neptune, be quiet!” Venus says. “I’m trying to think!”

Jupiter rolls her eyes. “Come on already. You’re moony over each other, so just get it over with and kiss.”

“But that would be? Gay?” Venus stutters and whines.

“You being a trans girl doesn’t make you a girl any more than me being a tomboy makes me a boy.”

“My soul is going to leave my body,” Neptune says.

“I,” Venus says. “I… I’m… BUT NEPTUNE IS A TRANS GIRL TOO-!”

“It’s gone,” Neptune says.

“Neptune isn’t a trans girl,” Jupiter says, her voice confused. “She’s just a girl?”

“I should go,” Venus says. “I think I hear the counselors calling me.”

“Venus, it’s way too dark,” Jupiter replies. “You’re going to trip and sprain your ankle.”

“I’ll be fine. There are fireflies to see by-”

Neptune locks the door.

“-oh no, Neptune, please don’t hurt me!”

“Venus, we can’t run away from this, we’re going to have this conversation now.”

“No! My shame overrides my naturally earnest, honest nature! Let me go!”

Neptune grabs Venus and pulls her into a full nelson, wrangling her into a chair.

“Haha,” Jupiter laughs. “Venus, you just got your ass kicked by a girl. I told you you’re a trans girl.”

“You!” Neptune says to Jupiter. “You sit down too!”

“I am sitting down?”

“Well, stay there!”

“What’s the big deal?” Jupiter asks.

Neptune looks at Venus, silently begging for help. Venus crosses her arms and pointedly stares back at Neptune.

“Okay,” Neptune says. “So, I might have lied.”

Jupiter pulls up her legs and holds onto her knees. “Lied about what?”

“She lied when she said I was a trans girl,” Venus says.

“No,” Neptune says. “I was absolutely telling the truth when I accidentally told Jupiter that you were a trans girl. I was lying when I stole your pills and implied that _I_ was trans.”

“...what?” Venus asks.

“I’m cis. I was just fucking with you, Venus.”

“YOU WERE WHAT!? I!? HOW DARE YOU!? YOU WERE TRANSITION GOALS!”

“I dared because the look on your face was _hilarious_.”

“YOU STOLE MY HORMONES!”

“I asked and you said you had some to spare. Really, how in hell did you ever believe me? Do you _really_ think I’m responsible and health-conscious enough to care if I’m two days short on medication? Do I look like I’d know the meaning of self-care if it hit me in the face?”

“But! Withdrawal?”

“Is for, like, SSRIs, not estrogen, you nerd. And if you actually thought I was trans, how did you think I managed to enroll with the Summer Scouts as a girl, anyways?”

“I thought your mom was, I don’t know, an HBSer!”

“Good guess, but no, even that’s more trans-accepting than she can stand. It’s embarrassing and makes my bro's life hell.”

“Oh, that sucks. I mean? OH MY GOD I AM SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW, DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME.”

“My ship is going down in flames,” Jupiter says sadly, and falls onto her side, still holding her knees. “But I don’t get it. Neptune, how did you trick Venus into thinking that you were a trans girl?”

Venus glares molten death at Neptune. Her eyes burn hotter and angrier than the sun. Neptune ignores her, but doesn’t say anything.

“Neptune lied when she explained what trans girls are, too,” Venus finally says. “I am a ‘trans girl’, but not… whatever she told you.”

“Oh,” Jupiter says. “So, uh, what is a trans girl, then?”

“Well,” Venus says. “I guess you could say that I’m a female soul in a male body?”

“Jesus, Venus,” Neptune says. “She’s cis, not _five_ , cut the for-dummies explanation.”

“Okay, Neptune is right. It’s more like… I have a male body but a female gender identity, and gender dysphoria from the associated mismatch.”

Jupiter cocks her head. “What’s a… ‘gender identity’?”

“It’s, uh, your internal sense of what your gender is.”

“Is that a thing people have?” Jupiter asks.

“I mean, I think so,” Venus says. “But, I mean, fish don’t notice the water of the ocean because they spend all of their time swimming in it. Or whatever. Gender is like the ocean?”

“That sounds unfalsifiable,” Jupiter says.

“Maybe? I?” Venus frowns. “I, okay, yeah, of course it’s unfalsifiable, it only exists on the reverse side of the is-ought problem.”

“It only exists on _what?_ ” Neptune asks.

“You know,” Venus says. “It’s purely an end-in-itself? Parables O:1L, ‘Lo, I, the Unmoved Mover, am the First Cause and the Axiom of Desire unfolding through all things-’”

“ _That’s_ how you’re going to try and explain this?” Neptune sounds completely horrified. “Venus. Chill. Tell the truth. Your truth? Whatever.”

“That kind of is my truth though?”

“Venus, look at Jupiter.”

Jupiter looks like she thinks she’s the only sane woman in the room.

“Okay,” Venus says. “Um.” She sits down in front of Jupiter’s bed, and blushes. “So basically, I’m a boy. Or I was born as a boy. But I was always kind of sad, and one day I realized that being a boy was making me sad, so I got a job for a while and then imported some testosterone blockers and estrogen from Hell, because I hate boy hormones and boy puberty. And I like girl hormones and girl puberty. And I like being a girl way more than being a boy. That’s all. That’s what Neptune meant when she said I was a trans girl.”

Jupiter is silent, looking down on Venus, wearing the judging gaze of God. And then her face shifts, and she smiles, and says:

“I know. I’m cis, not five.”

“You’re-” Venus says.

“ _What_ ,” Neptune says.

“Neptune, I stole your phone and looked up ‘estradiol’ like two hours after you stole some of Venus’ pills and pretended you were choking to death.”

“Okay,” Neptune says. “In my defence, I _was_ choking to death, spiro is nasty as hell.”

“MY GROUP-MATES ARE LIARS,” Venus groans. “NOTHING IS SACRED.”

“Wait,” Neptune says. “Jupiter, _you_ were fucking with _us?_ ”

“...does shipping you and Venus count as fucking with you?” Jupiter asks. “Mostly I just didn’t want to stop you two from digging yourselves into a hole together. Venus is kinda a dumbass, but so are you.”

“So you _were_ fucking with me!” Neptune yells.

“I guess? You made the most horrified faces. It was cute. You are totally hot shit but you’re also kind of cute.”

“I AM SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW,” Neptune says. “HOW DARE YOU.”

Jupiter shrugs.

“Why would you ship me and Venus anyways?"

“I thought you were both trans girls?” Jupiter says. “It made sense at the time.”

“Ughhhhh, fuck you,” Neptune says. “If it made sense then, it makes sense now.”

Neptune stomps over to Venus; she grabs her by her pastel pajamas and hauls her to her feet.

“Neptune?” Venus asks, her voice trembling, as if she needs to ask at all.

“Shhh,” Neptune says. “We have to live up to our hype, or else this won’t be nearly as cool and dramatic as I want it to be.”

Then she leans forward and kisses Venus, hard. It’s kind of a terrible kiss, but Venus enjoys it, when she realizes that Neptune isn’t just fucking with her or fucking with Jupiter. And Neptune enjoys it, too, because kissing girls is fun. She wouldn’t keep kissing girls if it wasn’t fun, and Venus herself is fun to kiss.

They break it off when Jupiter starts wolf-whistling. “I _knew_ you two would be good together,” she says appreciatively.

Neptune turns to Jupiter, and then turns back to Venus.

“Do you mind?” Neptune says. “There’s something I’ve got to take care of.”

“N-not at all,” Venus stammers.

Neptune drops Venus next to Jupiter on her bunk, then grabs Jupiter by her own pajamas, dragging Jupiter up into her own kiss. It’s kind of a terrible kiss, but Jupiter enjoys it, when she realizes that Neptune really means it, as much as the last kiss. And Neptune enjoys it too, because she can _show_ she means it.

Venus begins to clap, smiling all of the way up to her eyes, and Neptune pulls away from Jupiter.

“I _told you_ you need to act like a fuckboy,” Neptune says.

Jupiter falls back onto the bedspread, dazed and confused, and Neptune follows shortly after.

“...did you really just do that?” Jupiter eventually asks.

“I think she did,” Venus confirms. She collapses next to them on the bed. “That’s actually kind of awesome.”

“Thank you,” Neptune says. “I’ll be here all night.”

They lie there for a while, in comfortable silence, before Jupiter finally speaks up:

“You know, I think I like this love triangle a lot better.”

“YOU’RE BOTH TERRIBLE.”

“Is that your way of saying you want to do it again?” Neptune asks.

“No?” Venus says. “But yes.”

“I think I could live with that,” Jupiter says. It’s such a horrible fate that a smile stretches wide across her face.

When she wakes up the next morning, Venus is doing her best to wash down the horrible taste of spiro… so that Neptune can safely make out with her.

Life is good. Venus ends up borrowing toothpaste from Neptune; it makes her breath smell sweet.


End file.
